>But it does seem a shame that "Would you see this black man to his table," would be "racist". Would it be racist only if the black man heard it, or no matter what? What if the manager said to the hostess "Make sure that black man gets our best available table". Would that be racist?... even if the customer (the black man) didn't hear it?
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>Would the original statement still be "racist" if it was uttered by a black man or woman?

No matter who says it or in whose hearing, it certainly implies the speaker has feelings about the person's color. So even if nothing discriminatory happens, the speaker has identified himself as having at least some leaning toward racism.

Tamar