The funniest things I've read in a long time.

Thanks for those Jay.

>Not stellar, but some memorable ones in the mix...
>
>
>1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
>for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
>leave me the hell alone.
>
>2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
>tire.
>
>3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
>neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>
>4 . Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
>promoted.
>
>5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
>
>6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>
>7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
>payments.
>
>8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
>
>9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>
>10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>
>11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
>
>12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
>
>13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
>
>14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
>15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
>
>16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>
>17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
>
>18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
>
>19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
>
>20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>
>21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>
>22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
>on the same night.