My mom does the same thing and it drives me nuts. In my case it's flying home and she always wants me to call when I get back here. I keep saying to her that if my plane crashes, don't you think it will make the news? <g> But I make the call....


>You'll still worry. My mother is 87 years old, and I've been out of her home for many, many decades. When I visit her (she lives across town), I have to phone her when I get home to let her know I negotiated the highway ok, or she won't sleep.
>
>>Hi Mike,
>>
>>Your views are valid and may even be better than mine - I really don't know. I only know that yes, I do still disagree with you, but basically on the monitoring aspect. One thing I know we agree on - the most important role we will have in this life is that of being a parent. It is also the most terrifying. I just hope I don't worry as much when she is actually old enough to venture out on her own. I hope by then I have given her enough tools to deal with life's situations and to be a good person and a good citizen.
>>
>>
>>>I like you, Tracy, so have waited many hours to reply to this. The steam has gone out of me, as it tends to do pretty quickly. But I disagree with you. Here's why.
>>>
>>>I give teenagers a certain amount of respect. Are they fully adult yet? Hell, no. Do they face temptations we didn't have to deal with when we were their age? Hell, yes. But I feel part of their learning process, part of their path to adulthood, is being given responsibility. On a trial basis -- I'm with you there. But peeking over their shoulder every moment to monitor them is undermining IMO. It sabotages the exact thing you want to encourage, which is the ability to navigate one's own way in a tricky world. At some point we have to have faith that the lessons we have tried to instill in them from birth have taken hold. There are all kinds of faith and I think this is one of them.
>>>
>>>Do I worry? You bet I do. That will probably never stop. It's just this, and I hope it doesn't come across as preachy or trite. IMO our job as parents is to get them to the point that they don't need us any more. That's a scary thought to all of us whose lives were changed irrevocbly the day our first child was born, who would give up our lives to save theirs without a moment's hesitation. I absolutely would and know you would, too. It's just a question of technique.
>>>
>>>No rants here. Just a difference of opinion. Maybe there's a mom vs. dad element to it. Maybe there is an intensity -- animal, if you will -- between mother and child that even the most committed father can't match.
>>>
>>>Best,
>>>
>>>Mike
>>>
>>>
>>>There have been a couple of red flags with my older daughter and I have responded to them directly and without hesitation.
>>>
>>>>RANT ON
>>>>I see this completely the opposite and I feel very strongly about it. Having a 15yr old daughter, I strongly believe in her right to privacy - up to a point. To the point that I have any reason to worry or be concerned because of even a single warning sign.
>>>>
>>>>Trust is earned. Today's world is not the same as the world we lived in when I was 15. My mom didn't have to worry about me secretly phoning a boyfriend (only 1 phone in the house and it was in the kitchen) and arranging a clandestine meeting, using a cellphone, text messaging, or im anyone or even chatting in any public chatrooms with some creep representing himself as a 15yr old boy when in reality he may be 45.
>>>>
>>>>My primary concern is first, my daughter's safety - I would rather she lived to 18 hating me for abusing her privacy than not make it. Second, her well-being - and yes that includes physical, emotional and psychological well-being. Thirdly, her happiness.
>>>>
>>>>I give my daughter all the freedom she needs - afterall, how does a teen learn to make good decisions if they are never allowed to make any decisions? Yet, I watch those decisions VERY closely. In your opinion probably too closely.
>>>>
>>>>I monitor her actions not because I want to intrude on her privacy or that I think she will make a bad decision but because I LOVE HER. Her life is more important than my own and I intend on doing everything in my power to see that she makes it.
>>>>
>>>>I guess you don't want to know about eblaster or spector Pro then??? Or the fact that you can monitor the calls they make without having access to their cell phone? Or how to verify if a teen is really at a friends house when that is where they said they went? How to access GPS locations on a cell phone? I pay the cell phone bill, install and setup the computers, make the school trips, buy the clothes, supervise behind the wheel (we are in the drivers permit stage), make the dinners, earn the salary, and worry worry worry.
>>>>
>>>>It's called being a parent.
>>>>
>>>>RANT OFF (maybe)
>>>>
>>>>Of course, I have never taken the cell phone away because she called a boy I didn't like or trust. But then she hasn't called anyone who I feel is totally untrustworthy - most teens are just struggling along and make a balance of good and bad decisions but are not totally untrustworthy. There may be a few out there and I just may have been lucky. I am of the opinion that if you ban a person then that actually spurs the child into trying harder to be around that person simply out of spite or in rebellion. Unless of course that person has given you reason to be concerned... another matter entirely...
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>>>Serious question, bearing in mind that my daughters are approaching college age faster than I can believe. How much do you know, how much do you wonder, and how much do you think everyone is happier that you don't know?
>>>>>>
>>>>>>If you're asking what I think you're asking, I know what's going on in their lives big picture, I have some idea what their social lives are like, and I don't ask about their private lives.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>OTOH, I trust that we've raised them to behave responsibly. I know that neither drinks seriously (though Solomon has developed a fondness for port, of all things), neither smokes, and am reasonably certain that neither uses drugs recreationally.
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>We're pretty much on the same page. Part of it is respect for kids' individuality once they reach a certain age, part of it is an understanding of my own children that includes knowing there are certain topics that are off limits. I don't think they're hiding things from me (especially not Emily), I just think they're doing that snakeskin-shedding thing we all do when we're that age.
>>>>>
>>>>>It's funny that this comes up. Tricia called last night to let me know she had confiscated Allie's cell phone, again. The two of them do not get along at all, you should probably understand that as prologue. Tricia said the problem was Allie had called a guy named Nick who lives two blocks away. "I don't trust him at all," she said. I asked how she knew Allie called Nick. She hemmed and hawed and finally said she found out from the called list on Allie's cell phone. (Which I pay for, I mention only in passing). I said, unheatedly, that I thought she was completely out of line. Snooping is not the answer. It just erodes trust, which is the real problem.