Evan, if you drink 80 cups of coffee per day you will never go bald. you can achieve the same effect by rubbing coffee grounds into your scalp, but the resulting discoloration is apparently fairly embarrassing. If you drink 80 cans of coke per day you may experience a different result. ;-)
"... They ne'er cared for us
yet: suffer us to famish, and their store-houses
crammed with grain; make edicts for usury, to
support usurers; repeal daily any wholesome act
established against the rich, and provide more
piercing statutes daily, to chain up and restrain
the poor. If the wars eat us not up, they will; and
there's all the love they bear us."
-- Shakespeare: Coriolanus, Act 1, scene 1
