John,
I'll grant you that if "MyHeavilyMungedGiantCursor" is too big to fit in memory, it would take quite an effort to do this in ADO.NET. And I still believe that this should be done in an SP. But if the cursor could fit in memory, the amount of ADO.NET code isn't that messy. Would you be interested in providing a decent-sized example of both c_parameters and MyHeavilyMungedGiantCursor? (email, or post on a server?). This could be a nice self-contained test.
Thanks,
Kevin