>I should probably find some writers' group to post this on but I trust the people here. This is more than a bunch of gearheads with a similar technical calling, as came out loud and clear a couple of weeks ago. It's a community in the best sense of the word. I want your honest feedback. Really. Don't be afraid to offend me if you don't like what I am posting. I would rather hear it up front than waste months going down the wrong path.
>
>So here goes. I have mentioned that I have considered a radical career change. I probably didn't mention that the career I have in mind is writing. This is something I have been dabbling with for a while with generally abysmal results. Like a pro golfer's 7 iron onto the green, it's harder than it looks. So here goes. Today I wrote, rewrote, scratched, added, deleted, and wound up with two paragraphs I think are keepers. These are the current opening paragraphs of what I hope to be my first published novel. Please give me your honest feedback, publicly or privately. Thank you for reading!
>
>If you notice more than a passing resemblance to Graham Greene, it is not accidental. I should be so lucky. It happens that one of his best books opens in a graveyard.
>
>Mike
>
>
>On the day Charlie Hess was put in the ground his new widow, Lucinda, dressed in black with a twist. Underneath the trim black Armani suit Charlie bought her after a big score she wore a hot pink garter belt. Per ounce it probably cost more than cocaine. It looked great on her, a view only Charlie had enjoyed. This was the last time she would wear it.
>
>A couple hundred yards away George Fisk surveyed the burial as inconspicuously as he could. A cemetery is a good place to go unnoticed. Speaking into a microphone near his shoulder, he took note of who arrived and with whom. Periodically he pretended to pay his respects at the nearest headstone. “Gladys Phillips. 1943 – 2005. Beloved Mother.” He idly wondered who she was and what she meant to those who paid for her gravestone.

No grumbles on style, and it gets my interest. But a few points, if you want them:

- His "new" widow? What happened to the old one?
- no mention of what type of day it is. In a way I'm glad you didn't have it raining, a cliche used in so many burial scenes in films.
- talking of cliches, does it have to be Armani?
- I can't imagine a pink garter belt costing more than coke and what's the point of focusing on this detail. And why probably? You're the one writing so you decide whether it did or not - she and Charlie would know, so how come you don't?
- The last sentence is superfluous - who she was was "Beloved Mother" and what she meant to them was "Beloved Mother" - obviously, so George is not too bright.

One last thing: I think it's an Americanism to say "A couple hundred" as opposed to the British "A couple of hundred" but I'm not sure whether you guys would say it was grammatically correct.

BTW I've dabbled in writing all my life - and one day I'm going to carry on with the novel I started 2 decades ago, before life got in the way :-)