Conservatives vs Liberals History

*For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed
version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer and Scotch, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer and Scotch

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer and Scotch were discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the breweries. That's how
villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at
night while they were drinking beer and Scotch. This was the beginning
of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat, beer and Scotch that
conservatives provided without having to work themselves.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added) and blended Scotch
(conservatives like single malt), but most prefer white wine or imported
bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi,
tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. ** *

*
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer and single malt. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally
anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living and to pay the taxes
to support the Liberals who do not work.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing. Most remained in the Northeast or hid in
California .

Here ends today's lesson in world history....... *



*It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.. *