I was just looking at the monthly calendar to schedule an appointment and realized it was this day last year. (So THAT's what has come over me -- some curse, renewed annually until dead). The day I tried to kill myself. It wasn't this date but it was this Monday in January. In fact it's the start of another cold week. Am I the only one who thinks of certain anniversaries according to the day of the week rather than the technical date?

I have no idea where this is going, since I'm drunk now. Just like last year, I had no plan to drink when I got up. It was a perfectly normal day. I got up, took care of the dogs, showered, shaved, perked a pot of coffee. Drank it with my morning news sweep before waking Emily up. She was cranky. I didn't know why until she told me in the car about the accident. She doesn't always let out what she's really feeling, to say the least. It gives me satisfaction that she and Allie finally are soulmates. She said Allie woke her up at 1 a.m. to tell her about the accident.

This is the sound of drunkenness, isn't it? Sorry. It's a pathetic sound even from indoors.

Please don't anyone panic. I am not feeling even remotely suicidal. I'm just drunk. ("I'm not drunk, I'm just drinkin'" .... don't know the artist but that was a good one). DO NOT call the police. They will just wake up Allie, who has enough on her mind already. And I am not going to off myself. Just embarrassed, no doubt.

I am not doing what I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to call my sponsor. And BEFORE picking up the bottle, not after. I have a sponsor now, something I resisted. He's a good one, too. I trust him. A great guy most anyone would like in most any situation. And yet I didn't call him when the feeling came over me.

The drunken state is something I will not insult anyone with any more at the moment. I will be back, don't worry.

If anyone wants to talk to my sponsor, I am going to send his info to Tamar. Again, I don't want anyone coming here or calling here. It isn't necessary.

Mike