Just phoned the Government Swine Flu Helpline and all I got was crackling.

How did the pig go on holiday?
The swine flu.

Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse. .. But we'll get through. Where there's a swill there's a way.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

My friend says hes got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.

I have to say, I'm finding all these pearls about swine flu pretty boaring.