>SNIP
>>Actually, part of it is about money. John said that he didn't want his gay son behaving in a certain manner in his home. John's son can consider John's house to be his home, but if he doesn't help to pay the bills, he has to live by John's rules.
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>>When I was married to my second husband, his oldest daughter was in college and came home with her chin pierced. When I told her that I didn't like it, she told me that I didn't have to. I said "That is where you are wrong - unless you are telling me that you are self-supporting and no longer require my financial assistance to go to college". She refused to remove the stud from her chin and I refused to contribute to her college education anymore.
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>>When you are depending on someone else to pay your way, you have to live by their rules.
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>WOW. I agree that it is your perogative to enforce rules on behavior in exchange for financial support. I know a few parents who do the same. It is not that unusual. What I've seen from those kids though is that the behavior is sometimes only curtailed when the parent is around or the child is around the parent. Some young adults will rebel at such restrictions and risk their economic and financial future over it. Still, it is certainly your right to do so.
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>There are different types of parents just as there are different types of children. I grew up in a large family and each one of us is different and we all had the same parents. As parents, we try to do our best and each parent chooses what is the right thing for them and their children. After about the age of 12, we were barely able to survive financially so anything other than earning my own way was not an option. I spent one year in college on a grant and had that grant shut down when Reagan became president. I joined the military and watched my salary grow 40% in one month due to Reagan efforts on behalf of the military. From that point on, I went to college while in the military and spent a lot of time at different colleges and universities around the world. You haven't coded until you've coded in a pup tent in the woods using a flash light at 3am :o)
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>I tend to take a different approach. My daughter got a nose piercing at 17. It was what she requested for her birthday. I was always dead set against piercings, but it was something she really wanted and it was, in my opinion, a minor issue. She worked extremely hard in school. She earned excellent grades and was able to join special programs which paid for college classes while in high school. She also worked almost every single evening to earn her own money at the same time. It was a very hard schedule and she earned my respect for the effort she put in. She also spends time helping Chinese immigrants learn to speak and write English and to live in this country. She helps them study for their citizenship test. She teaches them about finances and how to read their credit reports and balance a budget. She teaches them how to schedule telephone connections, schedule trash pickup, hookup electricity, make appts, and review and verify their bills. There is so much for them to learn. This summer she will be teaching a 6 year old how to speak English. His parents came here 5 years ago without their children and now are finally bringing them over from China. She taught the mother and now she will be teaching the child. When she was still wanting a nose piercing after 6 months of discussing it, I made a condition that she had to take care of the piercing and that it had to be extremely small. The earring is so small it is hardly noticeable. She came to me about it and it was something we discussed for about 6 months. I tend to try to focus on the big stuff. The stuff that is important for safety and her future. The little stuff I work on or I don't sweat. Some things I allow in order to give her the freedom to express herself and make decisions and follow through on them. She graduates from high school in 2 weeks and will have some of her college credits already behind her. She will be going to college full time in the fall and working as usual. She is trying for student loans (unbelievably difficult to attain now after the financial dump) and I made an agreement with her that I will help with her living expenses as long as she is in college, but I will only help with her college education costs if she attains a degree. If she drops out or fails, then the cost is hers to bear. If she graduates, I will pay off her student loans. Those decisions came after watching many college students go crazy and waste their time spent in college. It should be a fun experience, but the education should not be wasted. Some things are more valuable if they are earned. It may be the right decision for us, or it may be the wrong decision in the long run. It is the decision I made though and I hope for the best. I've seen too many teen pregnancies here and teen drug deaths and car accidents from teens drinking and driving to worry about the small stuff. My daughter is alive, healthy, happy, and in school. I know too many parents who cannot say the same. My daughter may move into her own apartment and go hog wild. I'm expecting alittle bit of that, but I hope it is nothing too extreme. She's had more freedom than most of her friends, but she's had that freedom curtailed when she's made poor choices as well. Only time will tell. She may still make some bad choices but if she does, I hope she learns from them and she is able to go on afterward.
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>I hope I have made good decisions over the years, but in essence, I really made what I thought was the best decision for us at the time. I have no idea if my decisions were the 'best' or not. The best may be entirely relative. There is nothing more difficult in life than raising children. I hope that I have helped her and guided her into being a responsible adult able to take care of herself and willing to help her fellow man. I also know from my experience of being in a large family that no matter your efforts, every child is different, learns differently, and you can only do your best.

Well said, Tracy. We don't always agree about things but are on the same page here. We try to set a good example. (Please don't snicker at me; I know I am a good parent despite my frailties).

I just went through something like this with Emily a couple of months ago. She wanted to get her tongue pierced (which really surprised me). I tried to talk her out of it. She stuck to her guns, as she usually does. Finally I conceded and drove her there. It was a tattoo parlor and the guy looked like any parent's worst nightmare. Biker type. He was actually nice, she said, and gave her all kinds of advice about not hanging out with the wrong kind of guys and getting wasted. I asked her if it hurt. She said yes, but only for a while.

It's funny because I would have resisted the same request from Allie. Emily is such a great kid that I trusted her judgment. She will probably be the captain of her HS volleyball team and will probably be the valedictorian of her class. Her GPA is about 4.5, something outrageous like that.