Thanks. More of a smoking gun there than I remembered, or chose to remember. I really was out of it.

Today marks three weeks sober, which is good. No question that alcohol has been a big part of my problems. Step 1 has never been a problem for me in AA. (Step 3, that's another story, but let's not go there). But it's not my only problem, or even necessarily the biggest one. Sometimes I just feel, you know, different? Like I was not designed to move easily among my fellow citizens as so many people do.

Here is a case in point. I fell in love with a woman I met on the psych ward. Nuts, right? She came in the day after I did. She was nice looking -- not cover model pretty but nice looking, I'd go after her at a party. And very, very smart. I was reading in the common room when she came in and sat in the chair kitty corner from me, the stack of aged magazines on a stand between us. We got joking about the old titles. Most of them were a year or two old. "Oh, here you go, Golf Digest last month," she said. We kind of went from there. My working theory was she was a new staffer embedded with the patients as a learning experience.

She was busy by nature. She recruited another woman and they organized the wildly disheveled games and puzzles bookcase. (Imagine a games and puzzles bookcase on a psych ward; you get the idea). That night, between dinner and the close of day session -- lights out at 10 -- she got us all going with a game that involved drawing pictures indicating a common phrase. She was AMAZING at it, both drawing and guessing. Her brains and enthusiasm were infectious. When she made a particularly good play she would react with enthusiasm, lifting her hands over her head and shaking her booty.

The next day during afternoon quiet time, when most were napping, I brought my book into the common room. She was the only one there. I said, I've got to ask you, what are you doing here? She said severe depression. I said you sure don't seem depressed. She said that's just it, I'm a total fake. I can fool people and make them happy, but that's not me. The me in me is a horrible mess you wouldn't want to see. We then had the most intense, caring talk I have had in a long time, probably ever. She cried at one point and I gently wiped her tears away. Two alleged nuts. Two rolling stones loose in the world, to steal my own stolen line.

When I was checked out we were eating dinner, the three of us around a table. Me, her, and her shelf organizing cohort. (A very hot blonde, and it's interesting how little that mattered). The nurse came in and said Mike, your ride is here. We all stood up. She grabbed me in a hug and held me tight. She was in typical ward attire -- NASA PJ bottoms and a forgettable top in her case -- but I think it was the sexiest hug I have ever felt. It was an "I like you" hug. I said good luck, you. Good luck, you too, she mimicked. We already had our own private language going.

And then -- nothing. I have not seen her since. I contacted the hospital asking for contact info and they replied, as you would expect, that they cannot give out that kind of information. All I know is her first name. Stupidly, I did not ask her for her phone number after the hug. So I will probably never see her again unless I scour the streets of Mundelein until I find her.

She is a nice memory. Maybe we will never see each other again. (Screenwriters of the world, start your engines! LOL). She sure helped me through a hard time.

>I think these two messages led me to call the police:
>
>Message #1428765
>Message #1428747
>
>(I had to read the messages to the police before they would consider action) I'm relieved it all turned out ok, and given your efforts to stay sober this time, it may get better for you and your daughters. If you didn't have your address under your UT profile, I wouldn't have been able to do a thing. That was the address I gave the police.
>
>Keep up the effort...
>
>BTW, during one of your previous episodes, I had the UT up, but I was away from my desk so I missed it all. Thank goodness Naomi acted that time.
>
>
>SNIP
>>BTW, I never thanked you properly for making that call to the police last month. I don't remember saying anything overt, like the goodbye note in January 2008, but you sensed something alarming enough in my posts to call the Round Lake cops. They arrived quickly, did a quick assessment, and insisted I be taken to the hospital. (Against my will, which sounds amazing until you see a drunk in full sail). One of the many docs I saw told me I would probably be dead if not for the emergency intervention, and was lucky even then. He was Indian or possibly Middle Eastern, a very small man. He said if it had been him he would be dead, "no chance." So thank you. It sounds trite but I literally would not be typing this if not for you.
>>
>>It's actually been going pretty well since. Staying sober, one day at a time. Going to meetings every day. Taking a new medication which is intended to reduce the urge to drink or drug. (Yes, it is supposed to work on both. Some gateway in the brain mucked with, same principle as antidepressants). Keeping myself as busy as I can, even if the activities seem uninspiring. Trying to follow the 12 step program, which is a work in progress. My analytical approach to things fights it at every step of the way. What keeps me going is other members, long sober, who have said they felt exactly the same way until they got desperate enough to try anything.
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>>I could write a book <g>. Scratch that idea. The alcoholic memoir genre is already overplowed. (Thanks,James Frey).
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>>Thanks also to a couple of UT members, who remain anonymous for obvious reasons, who have given me great encouragement and strength the past month. (NOT Tamar, it should be hastened; she really is a teetotaler). The core value of AA is to help other alcoholics who still suffer. The 12th step: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs." In essence, pass it on.
>>
>
>SNIP