The floor is open for nominations.

Banks would be a timely nominee these days. But the fact is I am with about the biggest of them, JP Morgan / Chase, and have had nothing but good experiences with any Chase employee or their superlative online banking service.

Same with insurance companies. They are a predatory industry but I have been with one company and one agent for 25 years. He was a white knight, insuring me when State Farm dropped my auto insurance after thieves removed two removable roofs from my Corvette. No other insurer would touch it until Farmers Insurance took a chance. I have been with him ever since and know he is not taking advantage of me. The solicitations from competitors land in my mailbox, voice mail, and email with regularity and every once in a while I check them out. Not necessarily to switch, just as due diligence. So far they haven't enticed me and I am still with Al. Whenever I call him, which isn't very often, he always calls me back quickly and takes care of whatever it is. My insurance company is a very large corporation. Due to one guy they have my enduring loyalty. That's a lesson in the importance of customer service, but also another discussion.

Car dealers? An evergreen, especially car salesmen, most especially used car salesmen. But again my personal experience has been fine, or at least good enough, so this is not my day to rail against them.

Getting close, though. My nominee is oil change dealerships. These guys are so slimy they must be dipped in oil when they join. They are the ones who didn't quite make the cut as used car salesmen. That takes a certain amount of personality. Oil change is personality optional.

On Friday the oil warning light on my car came on, so yesterday I took it for an oil change on the Saturday Tour of Errands. Of all the bad experiences I have had with oil changes, which has been nearly universal, this took the cake.

The thing I hate, absolutely detest, about this business is they lure you in with a low price and fast service, then do their best to deliver neither. This joint used to be a Jiffy Lube, went under when the franchisee got overextended somehow, and is now doing business as Castrol Premium Lube Express. The usual setup -- you pull into the bay and the guy gives you hand signals until your car is in the right position. This guy was kind of hard to follow, pushing up with his hands. Did he want me to levitate the car? We got it in place and he gave me the usual business of "Here is our waiting room over here, please help yourself to the coffee and magazines." (Personal advice if you value your stomach: avoid the coffee).

So I took a seat in the waiting area, avoided the coffee, and helped myself to a magazine. Pretty grim choice between auto magazines, celebrity gossip magazines, and one copy of Runner's World. I took the Runner's World and passed the time. Which was over 15 minutes already, BTW, even though it was not busy. The only reason I tolerate these places is they advertise -- sometimes truthfully -- that you can get in and out fast.

A few minutes later an older lady came in and struck up a conversation with me. She was that certain variety of older person who strikes you as equal parts batty and all there. She was a nice lady, really. She basically told me her life story. Probably lonely, and who am I to refuse human kindness? She is one of 14 children, she said. Two brothers and two sisters still living including her. She is 84 years old. She doesn't drive very often. Three of the four of them have a weird ailment where their blood shrinks to a dangerous level. Not blood pressure, the blood itself. She said the last time she went in the hospital for it she was down to half a pint, with 3.5 pints being normal. "Where did it go?" I asked. "That's exactly what I said!" she said. She said the doctor said he didn't know.

At that point my oil jockey came into the waiting area and said there was something he wanted me to see. Here we go again. But oho, this was a classic.

He had my air filter in his hand and said, "We have just one problem. Most of your car is all right but this is shot." He held up the air filter like it was a turd or something. I couldn't help noticing my newfound older friend's air filter was pre-displayed at the front of her car.

"This controls the air you and your loved ones breathe in your car," he said.

I asked how much his replacement cost. $49.99, he said. I said no. He gave a dramatic shrug like Your funeral. Then he moved on to bigger and better things.

"Synthetic oil OK again?" he said, with his hands over the checkout keyboard. That got my attention. I have had this car, a Jetta, for 7 years and 85,000 miles, and have never put synthetic oil in it.

"That's what the manufacturer recommends," he said. (Completely ficticious).

I asked what the synthetic oil cost. $64.99, he said.

I said I think I'll stick with the $19.99 regular.

He then went through a comically pompous pageant about him not being able to guarantee the oil if my car blew up or something. (Like I would?). This is the oil your car's manufacturer specifies, he said direly and again lying. "Do you want me to put oil in your car that is not the correct kind?"

Yes, I said. I sort of wished I had a Mini-KG on my shoulder to give him what for. I just said no, only an oil change. And I did indeed walk out of there with a $19.99 oil change plus tax.

He also made out the receipt saying I had refused standard inspections of lubrication points, transmission fluid, brake fluid, etc as "Declined." That is also fictitious. I was not asked about any of those. They didn't even vacuum out the interior, which is routine in their overpriced line of work.

That's not the bad part of the story or why I hope this Castrol franchise burns in hell.

I went back into the waiting area. The nice older lady was still there. My car was still not quite ready -- "One minute, no more," the oil jockey had assured me -- and he was ready to talk to her. She walked through the door to the shop like a lamb to the slaughter.

When they finally got ready to give me my car back, after defecating or who knows what else into it no doubt, I found myself outside waiting for my car with guess who. She said it was nice talking with you. I said me too. She said I guess this was my Christmas present.

I said, "What?"

She said I came in here expecting a $20 oil change and it cost me $160.

Grrrr.

Some day, somehow, I am going to get them.

Castrol Premium Lube Express
172 Rollins Road
Round Lake Beach, IL 60073