GOD BLESS THE IRISH

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"..

----------------------------------------------

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how
to pick the bloody thing up.

--------------------------------------------------


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"NO", shouts Paddy, "THIS IS HER HUSBAND!! "

------------------------------------------------------

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your
air freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------------------------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but then I couldn't breathe".

----------------------------------------------------------------

An answer I can understand.
An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Visit To Ireland

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone, "the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."