Thanks, Marcia. I needed that today. Been a rough couple of days (I got layed off yesterday)

>Disorder in the American Courts - A good laugh for today
>
> IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
>
>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things
>people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
>published
>by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
>exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
>WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget..
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>forgot?
>___________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>sleep ,
>he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>____________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
>WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
>___________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>_________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Geez. I was having sex you dumb ass!
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
>new
>attorney?
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death..
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Take a guess.
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
>_____________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>people?
>WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>_________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
>to?
>WITNESS: Oral..
>_________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
>____________________________________________
>
>And last:
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No..
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>began
>the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
>nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing
>law.