The wife was counting all the 1pennies and 2pennies out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of guys saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist guys. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya tick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 Irishmen go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that...2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I was at a cash machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £40!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.