>>I bought some used paint the other day...
>>
>>>That was funny, but Steven Wright is the best in my book!
>
>That's nothing, I came home last night and stuck my car keys in the back door. My house started, so I drove it around!

I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"