Got this in an email from my mom:


Dog Diary vs Cat Diary


DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Ran back and forth in the hall! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play tug! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

< BLEEP >

They continue to pick me up and handle me, an obvious attempt to
subvert me.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,

I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Tonight I will again lay on their heads while they sleep and hope to
smother them.