Dear Staff,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy
in US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme
to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will
be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be
RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme
(Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPEd and
SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired
Early Workers). A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as
many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management. Persons staying on will
receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives
employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please
bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to
give you all the SHIT you can handle..

Sincerely,

The Management