>I am going away again from the UT for another while. There is still something inside me that needs quiet. Don't worry, I have been doing very well. It's been 11 days and I feel good. But I sense a warning sign flashing ahead. Better to lay low. My old ways have not done me much good (ahem) so I am trying something different.
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>I still feel all jittery. It's only been three weeks since I tried to kill myself, after all. My AA meetings help. A new medication which fights the urges helps. But it's a battle every day. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
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>Today at noon it was a full house, as it tends to be on Fridays. Many of the windbags were there, father please forgive me for saying that, LOL. (It's a fine tightrope between honesty and compassion). I looked around the table, counted 16 noses and at least half as many professors (ahem). As is the mystery of life, the speaker who nailed everyone's attention and reminded us why we are there was one of the irregulars. Sober several years. He lost someone very close to him and had to call the man's mother this morning. He was sad and angry and confused. I believed him when he said he will not take this as an excuse to drink.
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>So that's where my mind is these days, focusing like a laser on my own addiction. I need a little relief, a little joy. I feel dull so much of the time. When occasionally something makes me want to get up and dance, sober, I take it.
>One, two, three, four! --
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oTFJhhWW8gNot really talking to myself, LOL. Just an update. I recognize that I am what AAs call "dry drunk," which means you are sober but still wacky in one way or another. My mood swings don't have much to do with alcoholism, I don't think. Last evening they went through changes like a Ferrari shifting gears --
1. Feeling fine.
2. Feeling jittery and wanting to drink. Called someone, resisted. (That's the good part and a sign that this time may be different).
3. Listened to some Bruce on the iPod. He has never let me down yet. To me he epitomizes a positive, enthusiastic embrace of life.
4. Posted. That step could have been left out. I just have this character trait that I want to share things I like, even though I know my enthusiasm is not always transferable.
5. Slept.
6. Woke up at 5 a.m. My new medication, Nalprexone -- an urge suppressant -- has the side effect of sleep disruption in some cases. Apparently I am one of the cases, which may change according to the literature. IAC I will take sleep disruption over the wreckage of active alcoholism.
7.(next) Logging off and writing down 5 specific things I am going to do to stay sober today. One day at a time.
UPDATE: Like any Bruce fan, I want a couple of encores.
Bruce in his prime again. In a way it's hard to believe he is now 60 and was on the cover of AARP magazine. The organist is Danny Federici, who died recently. Bruce wrote a moving tribute on his web site.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3vUKBOJ5sUUnparalled Bruce ahead. The guitarist in the red suit and big hat -- only a rock and roller or pimp could get away with that outfit -- is Miami Steve Van Zandt, who has moved on from Bruce's golden era better than most of us have. He played Silvio on "The Sopranos" and hosts a Sirius radio channel which has impeccable rock and roll taste. You will find some old friends and buried treasures there, which I am sure is his intent. Good for you, Miami Steve.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwBGSS63B2o
