>>>Not sure when the term "hillbilly" started being a staple of you vocabulary but you might like to know that it is the 'N' word used in the context you use it.
>>
>>And not an N in it.
>
>I'm not sure if you think that is cute or witty or you are just babbling, but it is pretty much an example of the kind of reply that is rapidly causing people whose compassion you seek to write you off as a self-dramatizing train-wreck.
>
>I do know that when I see posts by you going into the late at night and then get an email from you at 5:30 am it is pretty much a sign you aren't sleeping anything approaching normal hours, which is not only a very bad thing for someone battling addiction but also usually indicates waaaay too much caffeine, which at that level can cause squirrelly behavior as well. ( personally no stranger to the excessive use of "stimulants" I can testify that my most embarrassing - and sometimes life-threatening - behavior was often the product of feeling like superman from being jacked up beyond the need for sleep)
>
>Nicholas' post has some very good advise. I don't think you are going to get a lot of takers on the "Send Mike to Rehab" fund-raiser as long as you don't seem willing to take some basic steps like getting a new sponsor and some sleep.
>
>I also find it difficult to believe keeping these kind of hours isn't impacting you employment - either current or potential.
>
>You need :
>
>A sponsor (and I've told you often I see your sobriety being successful when you have the desire to *be* as sponsor - a role in which I think you could excel and from which I think you could benefit)
>
>A qualified doctor to run you through the spectrum of anti-depressants.
>
>A job that makes you remember how good it feels to be successful for the right reasons
>
>Something to occupy your mind besides your own drama
>
>A human reality outside the internet
>
>Some sleep

Thank you for the advice. It is appreciated.

Don't worry so much about the sleep. Even as a kid I was an early riser. I had a paper route from the age of 11 or 12 and made it my purpose for all my customers to have their Bangor Daily News on their doorstep when they woke up. They were delivered on foot and most of the year were delivered before daylight. There was one old widower who was sometimes awake when I got to his house but that was about it. These days I have two dogs who start barking for their breakfast if I don't give it to them by 6 a.m. Generally I take the 6:10 or 6:20 train to work.

Another good point about being a sponsor. You may know that is the 12th of AA's 12 steps, more or less. First you have to be long term sober yourself.

Here is an aside which shows, if nothing else, that my sense of humor is not wrecked. The more demanding of the two dogs is a female puggle named Butch. (You can blame the name on Emily). At one point it became annoying enough that I researched ways of keeping dogs from barking. There is a gizmo which when pressed emits a sound inaudible to humans but drives dogs batty. Supposedly they quickly learn to associate barking with the annoying sound. The best part about it, again from the advertising, is it not only shuts your dog up but other dogs within 500 feet.

The thing that got me back on track today was a totally random memory. Earlier this week I mentioned a screenwriter named John Hill. When FoxPro support was on FoxForum on CompuServe I also hung out on a second forum called ShowBiz. Roger Ebert and others directly in the business were regulars. My favorite section was the screenwriting section, populated by produced writers and wannabes who were serious about it. John was the royalty there, free in his praise and encouragement and also a realist. Anyway, a conversation one day got John reminiscing about what he called one of his favorite TV memories. It was from an early episode of "St. Elsewhere." One of the main characters -- the David Morse character, I think -- had lost his wife in a car accident. In the same episode a woman came into the hospital in desperate need of a heart transplant. She can have hers, the doc said. They do the transplant and it is a success. Late that night, no one else around, the doc walks to her room on the recovery ward and holds his stethoscope to her heart. Thump thump, thump thump, thump thump. Fade to black.