"I feel powerless" You are. Sound familiar?

Step 1.

It's the next step that is killing you, Mike. And it will continue until you admit that you can't fix it - at least not alone. By your own admissions, you cannot find a higher power - even if it isn't "God"

I don't like bringing this into a public forum but you keep bringing it here and asking for advice from people who may have no idea what the struggle is all about. Take it out of here. If there are some that you know can provide good advice, seek it privately.

It has nearly killed you physically (I am glad it DIDN'T) and it is also greatly affecting you mentally, spiritually and financially.

I like Mike C's suggestions. You might also begin serious work on a devotions collection. (or inspirations, or "stuff that reminds me that I am not who the bottle says I am"....don't let the word devotions scare you into thinking RELIGION!!!!)) Mine is in the Notes app of my phone and synch'd with SkyDrive so I can read it regularly regardless of where I am. At the TOP of this collection, add The Promises. Read them hourly if you have to. They will come true if you want them to. And if the word God doesn't work for you, take it out and put "Oak Tree" or "Foundation" or "57 Chevy" or anything. Stop getting hung up on semantics and just let go.

And, as I mentioned a few days ago, stick to tending your side of the street. You did it again yesterday when you tried to bait Rick into a religious brawl. Have you noticed how serene he is, even in the face of e-ridicule? I'm not saying you have to become an evangelist for Christ to get there. But....hear this....you CAN"T GET THERE on the path you keep taking! Stop beating your head against a wall and wondering why it is always bloody!