>>>>>I bought some used paint the other day...
>>>>>
>>>>>>That was funny, but Steven Wright is the best in my book!
>>>>
>>>>That's nothing, I came home last night and stuck my car keys in the back door. My house started, so I drove it around!
>>>
>>>I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
>>
>>Oh yeah, well I've got a splitting headache - I've been trying to take a closeup picture of the horizon all day!
>
>That's nothing - I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
>
>We could do this all day. The guy is a master.


I put instant oatmeal in my microwave and went backwards in time.

Today I bought a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I'm going to put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I was walking in the forest and a tree fell right at my feet, but I didn't hear a thing.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I used to work at a factory where they make hydrants. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.