You know us guys, we try to fix everything, so here goes:

>1. Spitting water out after brushing teeth goes sideways.
>
Turn your head before spitting and it will go in the right direction

>2. Having to hold a napkin under my lower lip when drinking out of a glass to keep from drooling on myself.

This is a good thing. It makes you look like you have manners.

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>3. The farting sound my lips can make if food gets on the bad side and I try to suck it back around in my mouth.
>

Some people get paid for this.

>4. Water from the shower when hitting my face can easily blow through into my mouth on the affected side.
>

Add a little soap and it's called mouthwash.

>5. Just because tears are flowing from my eye, it does not mean I'm crying.
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Now you are a "kinder and gentler" person. (My wife used to say I was a 90's kind of guy -1890s.)

>6. Raising my eyebrow (no choice) and tilting my head just right, makes me look like The Rock.

Just sign the autographs and move on.

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>7. I have to push the toothbrush into my mouth, then get it into position to brush the bad side.
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You seem to have an oral fixation?

>8. Taping an eye shut sounds simple in theory.
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In theory it is.

>9. The ones that can still look you in the eyes during a conversation are you true friends.
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Who else matters?
>10. I used to whistle great. Now I just blow spittle out the side of my mouth. Baby's still think that's cool though.
>

And if the babies like you, how can the babes resist?

>11. I can do a pretty good Mr. Spock imitation now.
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Once again, some people get paid for that.

>12. The "I am not an animal" joke doesn't work in every group of people.
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Those people don't matter anyway.

>13. I now lisp and sound kind of gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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Is your back broke?<g>

>14. If you are mad and swearing, some of the intensity is lost when your "F" sounds like "W" and your "B" sounds like an "F."
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Just tell people it's your babwa wawa impersonation.

>15. You can have something hanging from the nostril on the bad side and not know it until you see a mirror. This also is one that can be used as an indicator of who your real friends are.
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I'll keep this in mind.

>16. Kids are much more accepting than adults.
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They don't know any better.

>17. You will learn to like soup and french fries more than you ever have before. Especially at a restaurant.
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so what's wrong with soup and french fries for breakfast?

>18. Do not intentionally trim your mustache unevenly to try and make it look even. That's a really bad idea.
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Ah, a trend setter.

>19. Take your eyepatch off when parallel parking.
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Note to self. . .

>20. Those sounds that John Merrick made while eating were pretty damn accurate.
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Helps you lose weight.

>21. I am not winking at you.

Well, thanks! I am not from brokeback anything either!<g>